Real World

Hey, y'all!  I'm baaaaack!  Didja miss me?  Yeah, sorry I haven't written in a while.  It's just been one thing after another - finals, papers, graduation, packing, and going home.  But yeah, I've finally graduated from Loyola!  I never thought that day would come... has it really been four years?  Damn, does time fly! 

I should be happy.  But right now, I'm not.  Yes, I'm glad to have made it through all of my classes (this semester, it was way too close for comfort) and received my diploma.  But, to modify an old adage, college is like a four-year-long dream, and graduation is like the alarm clock.  My fellow seniors and I now have to wake up and face the real world.  I thought I'd be immune since I'm going to grad school in the fall, but I've realized now that I was sorely mistaken.  Grad school and college are not the same.  There's not going to be as much time to go out and party like there was in college (not like I really had the time when I was in college, anyway).  There's going to be a lot more responsibility that I have to assume.  And it's not like I can just sit back this summer and count down the days til I begin my new life.  I have to find a summer job so I have some money to live off of when I start grad school, and I remember how much of a pain in the ass it was trying to find a job three summers ago.  But maybe a little bit of work might help keep me sane during these next two and a half months.  There's nothing to do around here, almost none of my friends from high school ever keep in touch with me (despite the fact that I'm now on Facebook), and my sister's leaving for a summer internship in L.A. this weekend, so it's going to be just my parents and me... yeah, maybe it won't be so bad to get out of the house, in one way or another...

But what's really eating at me inside is the fact that I'm not going to see any of my friends from Loyola for quite a while.  The last three summers, I missed them a lot, but I could take comfort in the fact that I would definitely see them again in just a few months.  But this year, it's different.  Everyone's going their separate ways, myself included.  Come August, I'm going to once again be a stranger in a strange land.  I'm sure I'll make new friends at Clemson, but it's just hard to let go of the ones I already have.  But it's not like this was anything new to me - I had to deal with the same situation when I first left for Loyola four years ago, and I got through it just fine.  Besides, I'm sure I'll see them all again at some point, whether it's during a visit this summer, at Bull & Oyster in January, at a class reunion, or some other time and place.  It's only a matter of when.  The fact that I'm going to be so far from home and might not be able to come home during every break like I used to makes it all uncertain, and it's that uncertainty that bothers me. 

But there is one pain in my heart that I won't be able to assuage as easily.  Three years ago, I met this girl in one of my classes.  It took me a whole semester to work up the nerve to actually talk to her, but when I finally did, I knew right away that I was in love in a way that I'd never felt before.  I really felt that she could be the one I'd spend the rest of my life with.  But try as I might, I could never take our relationship out of the Friend Zone into something more significant.  I've told you all about her before - just read my post from Valentine's Day ("All You Single Ladies (and Fellas)", 14 February 2010).  Well, in the months since then, I finally came to my senses and realized that I just couldn't love anyone else as much as I love this girl.  She means the world to me, and it just kills me that I never got the chance to tell her how I really feel about her.  I should have at least written her a note or something.  Now I don't know when I'll ever see her again, and it would be very difficult in the current situation to maintain any sort of romantic relationship.  When I left home for Loyola, there were a lot of girls that I liked that I had to leave behind, but I knew there were many more, better girls at Loyola.  But this girl is different.  I just can't see myself in love with another girl.  This is the one part of my life where I can't move on.  If I had one reason to want to turn back time and live last year over again, this would be it. 

Well, there you have it.  That's why I'm feeling depressed right now about having graduated from college.  I have to face the real world just as much as everyone else, even though my path is slightly different from those the rest of my classmates will take, and I just don't think I'm ready for it.  I guess the only thing I can do is just suck it up and face my future head on. 

To all of my friends who are graduating this year, both at Loyola and elsewhere, I wish you nothing but the best, wherever your life may lead you.  To all my friends at Loyola, it's been an amazing four years with you all, and I will never forget all of the great times we had.  Please keep in touch, and know that wherever I'm at, you will always be welcome. 

[]_:-)

And finally, to a certain girl from Loyola - I'm sure you know who you are by now - If you're reading this, I just want to tell you that I LOVE YOU, and I miss you already.  I hope that you can forgive me for never having the courage to tell you while we were still together.  I just want you to know that no matter what happens, you will always have a special place in my heart, and if you ever need someone to talk to, I'm always just a phone call away.  <3